Open Letter to the High Desire Spouse

There is hope for sex in your marriage

So you’ve married someone that doesn’t align with your sexual desire level, you’re the high desire spouse? Join the group! It’s very rare the sexual desires in a husband and wife actually match. However, this doesn’t mean you, as the high desire spouse, are doomed to the life of sex camel.

For an explanation of sex camel, check out this short clip from one of my favorite TV show.

Unlike Ray Barone (see video above), you don’t have to be a sex camel and you don’t have to be scared. But you do have to be a talker if you want to enjoy a sex life that even comes close to your desired level. Do you want to know what I mean by being a “talker”?

Well, I’m glad you asked. To have the sex life you desire, you must be willing to discuss sex with your spouse. You have to talk about it. I know it’s the topic most married couples fear discussing the most. Recognize though, without a good discussion, the sex life inside a marriage will naturally tend toward the low desire spouse.

Is that what you want? If you think you can live with your current sex life, also consider the reality that low desire can easily and quickly become no desire. Now that changes the game a bit, doesn’t it?

Let me share with you a few principles that will help you and your spouse get through the awkward discussion about sex.

Acknowledge your responsibility

First, as the high desire spouse, you must acknowledge the responsibility to discuss sex rests on your shoulders. You cannot assume your spouse understands your level of desire. Your spouse cannot read your mind. You must have the conversation so they can understand.

Furthermore, if you refuse to have a conversation about sex with your low desire spouse, it is your fault if low desire turns to no desire. By avoiding the conversation, you are giving up your right to complain, become frustrated or angry, about your sex life – or lack thereof. Additionally, if low desire turns into no desire, you DO NOT have the right to look elsewhere for your sexual gratification. The bottom line is this; if you won’t talk about sex, you must live with whatever level exists in your marriage.

Pick an appropriate time

There are no definitive rules describing the appropriate time to discuss sex with your spouse, but I can tell you from experience there are definitely inappropriate times to have the conversation. If you want to have a meaningful discussion about sex with your spouse, you will avoid making the same mistakes I made.

Do not attempt to discuss sex with your low desire spouse immediately after they have rejected your initiation attempts. Likewise, avoid any times that are already over pressurized with the stress of life. Both of these situations foster frustration, impatience, and even anger, making it near impossible to have a meaningful and actionable conversation with your spouse.

Also, do not utilize a date night to have such a heavy conversation with your spouse. Date nights are intended to escape the pressures of life and simply enjoy the company of your spouse. You should be disciplined on your date nights to avoid conversation regarding the kids, the schedules, and work pressures in order that the two of you can enjoy time together. Including a heavy topic like sex will destroy the fun of a date night and ultimately turn one or both of you against the idea of a regular date night.

Pick an appropriate place

Much like timing, I have experience with the places you should avoid discussing sex. Let me tell you where you shouldn’t discuss sex with your spouse.

First, don’t discuss sex in your bed. Now, this probably sounds a little odd. The bed probably feels like the perfect place to discuss sex. Understand that discussing sex with the low desire spouse is a very heavy topic. By talking about sex while in the bed, in some ways the bed is now defiled and has become a place of shame and judgment for your low desire spouse. The marriage bedroom should be a place that brings comfort and security to both spouses, therefore don’t defile it with such a heavy topic.

The second and more obvious place to avoid discussing sex is in public. Sitting in a crowded restaurant, riding a crowded bus or train, or strolling through the aisles of your local grocery store (yes, I’ve made this mistake) are simply not good options. Not only do you run the risk of others overhearing your intimate conversation, it also naturally shuts down the conversation. You may think that because you are whispering, every detail and feeling is still flowing freely. They aren’t! Especially for the low desire spouse, having such a conversation in public will suppress the level of conversation.

Be a servant to your spouse

Finally, enter into the conversation with a spirit and attitude of a servant. If you attempt to have a conversation with your low desire spouse by asking them why they won’t have more sex, you will certainly shut down the conversation before it starts.

Your conversation needs to be focused around how you can serve the needs of your low desire spouse in ways that could increase their desire. I emphasize the word could in my previous statement because nothing is a guarantee. The high desire spouse must be willing to serving the needs of their spouse without attachment to the outcome. We serve our spouse because that’s what we committed to do, not because we hope to get something in return.

So to you, the high desire spouse, I have this simple challenge – talk with your spouse about your sexual needs. Don’t be ashamed of them and don’t let fear trap you into a sexless marriage. Additionally, let me warn you against much of the articles you will uncover should you research advice for high desire spouses. You will find advice ranging from “don’t take it personally” to “just masturbate”. Let me remind you neither of these extremes, nor much in between, is biblical advice. Rather the Bible will direct you and your spouse to discuss and even pray about this tough topic.

‘A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples on a silver tray. A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.’ Proverbs 25:11-12

Finally, from one high desire spouse to another, let me warn you against focusing on the lack of sex in your marriage. Consider there may be deeper issues in your marriage you should focus your attention on. A sexless marriage may be the least of your worries.

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