Sex frequency is often a topic of fierce debate in marriage. The unit of measure options are finite, however, they vary greatly throughout the journey of marriage. Some couples measure sex frequency in units of day or week (twice per week, for example), while other couples measure in units of a month or even year.
Being considered a sexless marriage would suggest a couple is using year for the unit of sex frequency measure. When this is the case, it is understandably easy to begin to focus on the lack of physical intimacy in the marriage. This is especially true for the spouse with the higher sex drive.
It may be tough to accept, but you are likely worried about the wrong aspects of your marriage if your sex life is measured in a couple times per year. The lack of sex in a marriage offers ample opportunity for the mind to create all sorts of falsehoods about our spouse. This intense focus on sex creates blinders that prevent us from noticing deeper concerns in our relationship.
Our twenty-three-year marriage has certainly experienced the fluctuation of sex frequency. Yes, we’ve used all units of measure – even year. Well, actually, I’m not sure we’ve every used day, but we are both ok with this reality.
As the spouse with the higher sex drive, I’ve noticed times of sex draught allow my mind to create malicious reasons my wife avoids physical intimacy with me. I must be quick to say these are all complete fabrications of my mind and do not represent the realities of our relationship.
“She doesn’t care about meeting my needs, so she must not love me anymore.”
“I’m just not good enough for her anymore.”
“She is punishing me for something I did or didn’t do.”
“She must be having an affair.”
And the list of malicious thoughts could go on and on.
It was only through talking about our sex life that I realized I had bigger worries than my sexless marriage. If you find yourself in a period of sexlessness in your marriage, be careful to shift your focus from the lack of sex and onto these five potential culprits for the lack of physical intimacy in your relationship.
Lack of priority
Our top earthly priority should be our spouse. Our spouse should come before our children, careers, friends, hobbies, church, and every other good thing you can think of. When we allow these other aspects of life take the place of our spouse, it creates a distance between spouses that eventually widens to the point sex is more of a chore than a blessing of marriage.
Lack of time
Time together typically soon follows a lack of priority. The time a couple once devoted to each other tends to wane under the pressure of other priorities. Before you know it, date nights are consistently being canceled. Then you can’t find time to simply sit on the sofa to talk. With all the stuff on your schedules, who has time for sex?
Lack of energy
When time and priority are given to things other than your spouse, energy also follows. This creates a compounding effect. “We never have time together. And when we do we don’t feel like doing anything.” The demands of life and family are exhausting. Without intentional efforts to reserve energy for your spouse, you will be running on fumes making it almost impossible to connect on the emotional level that leads to a fulfilling sex life.
Lack of dating
Do you remember how you couldn’t keep your hands off one another during your dating days? Before marriage, we work extremely hard to win over our spouse through the acts of dating. We make elaborate date plans. We go to great lengths to prepare for and have exciting and meaningful dates often. This dating effort then leads to an incredible sexual attraction that wanes quickly when to stop putting in the same effort.
Lack of sacrifice
Sacrifice in marriage is about what we do for our spouse. It’s about meeting our spouse’s needs before our own. When we fail to meet our spouse’s needs, it creates a mental and emotional wedge in the relationship. With such a wedge between husband and wife, it’s no wonder sexual satisfaction is diminished.
So, you’re not having the sex you desire in your marriage? Stop focusing on sex! Instead, focus your attention on addressing these five contributors to your sexless marriage. Not immediately, but over time, correcting what is lacking in these five areas will enable you and your spouse to connect sexually in ways you’ve likely never experienced.
Need help with date night ideas that will bring back that spark? Check out my date night idea list.